[past] in the [present]: 8 years

Time will heal me.

I used to be certain of that. Not heal me heal me, like being able to run and jump and play softball again; but at least help lessen the intensity of my memories and the anxiety associated with February 21, 2011 and the months that followed.

I keep hoping for this to happen. It hasn’t.

But maybe that’s how trauma stays with you; like looking in the rear view mirror expecting an object to get smaller as you drive away, only to realize the object is actually a trailer you’re hauling behind your car. No amount of time or distance will separate you from it, because you’re carrying it. No amount of time or distance seems to separate me from the feelings and emotions of the day I had a stroke.

Eight years later, I have recovered remarkably well from where I started with half my body paralyzed on the side of a mountain. Physically speaking — the part of my recovery that is visible to everybody — I’m functional and healthy. I am beyond grateful for that!

My emotional recovery has been much more difficult and protracted. The last couple of years in particular have been extremely challenging in terms of my mental health. From working with some amazing trauma counselors, I have realized how significantly my stroke impacts my ability to feel secure and safe in my body each and every day. Since something that wasn’t likely to happen to me actually happened, how can I ever feel healthy? If I didn’t know I had a brain tumor, what might be going on in my body now?

Something I’ve been working through recently is the blame I have placed on myself for not knowing I had a brain tumor. Because I feel like I missed that, I am always on constant high alert looking for other problems with my body — so I’m not surprised again. The problem with this is, hindsight is always 20/20. What if I didn’t miss anything? What if there was no way I could have known I had a tumor or could have prevented my stroke? After all these years, what if I have been blaming myself for doing nothing wrong?

If I could chat with my pre-stroke self, I would share these insights I am finally learning in hopes that she (23-year-old me) would place blame where it was really due: nowhere. Maybe, then, she wouldn’t spend years constantly thinking that her health is hers to control or lose. And maybe, now, I can reorient my perception of what happened and realize that I’m in control of a lot less than I think I am — and that’s ok. If I could chat with my pre-stroke self, this is what I’d say.

January 2011

Ashley, 

Before you leave to go snowboarding today, there are some things I’d like to tell you. Things, if you knew, would help so much in the journey that’s about to begin. I would have told you sooner, but I’m still learning, too.

Today, February 21, 2011, will change your life in many ways. Over the next 8 years, you will blame yourself for what happens. You will question and doubt yourself relentlessly, insisting that you should have known what tomorrow will bring. That you should have seen the signs. That, had you paid more attention, you might have known what to expect. That maybe you could have even taken a different path.

Ashley, please know that, right now, you are doing everything right. You are taking care of yourself beautifully. You are not being careless or brushing off concerns. There are no gut instincts you are ignoring. You are not missing signs — because there aren’t any. You have always been very self-aware, and if anybody would notice something, you would. But there is nothing to notice. You are taking the information you have now and making wise decisions based on what you know. I do not and cannot blame you for the information you do not have.

People will ask you a lot of questions over the next several years that will make you think you should have seen something. They will tell you most people see the signs. You will wonder why you didn’t. When you hear these inquiries, please know they are not an indictment of your ability to care for yourself. Believe instead that you were, are, and always will be the best person to guide and protect yourself. You are wise. You are capable. And, above all, you are His.

Today is a big day, but you are ready. You already know everything you need to know, and Heavenly Father will help you with the rest. Believe this.

I will try to believe it, too.